Examine
I didn't open my door to any trick-or-treaters last night. This was partly because - same as last year - I'd forgotten to stock up on sweets. But there was another reason, one which I'm ashamed to admit. You see, the truth is that I haven't yet obtained my official qualification in Confection Provision.
There's no need to look at me like that! I've just been so busy, what with one thing and another! I haven't got around to doing the reading on Advanced Sherbet Fountain Handover techniques, and the essay on Gobstopper Proliferation Following The Abolition Of The Poll Tax has been lying untouched for weeks. The whole situation's hopeless. I am doing my best, but when you're also trying to get a GCSE in Supermarket Aisle Etiquette and an HND in Non-Eye-Contact Chip & Pin Entry, it's almost impossible to find the time to write a dissertation on the political correctness of Bertie Bassett. And I would've loved to have seen all the kids in their costumes last night, but I mean, you can't just open the door and GIVE them a whole bunch of jelly babies without knowing what you're doing, can you?
Maybe next year I'll be better prepared. Or maybe I need to make use of the services of http://www.giftrepublic.com/. Check out their site: not only do they offer the usual 'name a rose', 'name a star', 'dedicate a tree' stuff, but they've also branched out into gift qualifications! Yes indeed, you can now buy a neatly boxed chance to get an NVQ in Wine Tasting, Chocolate Making, Meditation and, needless to say, Creative Writing. Hallelujah, all my worries are at an end. I shall buy the pack and at the end of the 10 'bite-sized' lessons I will undoubtedly be able to give the likes of Austen, Hardy and Forster a real run for their money. Who needs hours of anguish when you can find success on the shelves of Tesco's?
So worry not, you trick-or-treaters of 2009. Next year I will not let you down. If you knock on my door, you will find your bags filled to the brim with a sparkly array of sugar-filled goodies, all of which will be handed over in the most elegant, the most professional, the most highly qualified manner you could possibly imagine. Could I ask you to just do one thing for me, please? My eyesight's not what it used to be and those Halloween nights can get pretty dark, so do you think maybe you might be able to wear the larger versions of your Trick-Or-Treater Proficiency badges. I'm sure you'll agree it would make all our lives so very much easier.
There's no need to look at me like that! I've just been so busy, what with one thing and another! I haven't got around to doing the reading on Advanced Sherbet Fountain Handover techniques, and the essay on Gobstopper Proliferation Following The Abolition Of The Poll Tax has been lying untouched for weeks. The whole situation's hopeless. I am doing my best, but when you're also trying to get a GCSE in Supermarket Aisle Etiquette and an HND in Non-Eye-Contact Chip & Pin Entry, it's almost impossible to find the time to write a dissertation on the political correctness of Bertie Bassett. And I would've loved to have seen all the kids in their costumes last night, but I mean, you can't just open the door and GIVE them a whole bunch of jelly babies without knowing what you're doing, can you?
Maybe next year I'll be better prepared. Or maybe I need to make use of the services of http://www.giftrepublic.com/. Check out their site: not only do they offer the usual 'name a rose', 'name a star', 'dedicate a tree' stuff, but they've also branched out into gift qualifications! Yes indeed, you can now buy a neatly boxed chance to get an NVQ in Wine Tasting, Chocolate Making, Meditation and, needless to say, Creative Writing. Hallelujah, all my worries are at an end. I shall buy the pack and at the end of the 10 'bite-sized' lessons I will undoubtedly be able to give the likes of Austen, Hardy and Forster a real run for their money. Who needs hours of anguish when you can find success on the shelves of Tesco's?
So worry not, you trick-or-treaters of 2009. Next year I will not let you down. If you knock on my door, you will find your bags filled to the brim with a sparkly array of sugar-filled goodies, all of which will be handed over in the most elegant, the most professional, the most highly qualified manner you could possibly imagine. Could I ask you to just do one thing for me, please? My eyesight's not what it used to be and those Halloween nights can get pretty dark, so do you think maybe you might be able to wear the larger versions of your Trick-Or-Treater Proficiency badges. I'm sure you'll agree it would make all our lives so very much easier.
Comments
Oy.