Reason
Why do I write? The question came up again recently and, in my inability to answer it, I suspect I came across as more than a little pseudy, pretentious and evasive. The truth is that I genuinely find it difficult to come up with an honest, wholly satisfying reply. Sometimes a few possible responses offer themselves up, but before I get a chance to spit them out of my mouth, they're silenced by countless variations of 'Yeah, except that it all kind of sort of depends on this that and the other.' But surely I should be able to do better than that... shouldn't I?
Most of my days are spent trying to convince people that you don't know if you can do something until you try, so perhaps I need to take my own advice. Here goes:
Why do I write?
Past Answer From Some Other Person #1: Because I want to publish a bestseller and make loads of money.
Well, sure, that'd be nice and I certainly wouldn't say No to it, but that's not the actual reason why I write. If my aim was to make a fortune, I'd probably devote my time to some slightly less uncertain way of achieving it.
PAFSOP #2: Because I want to publish a book which would earn me just enough money to be able to spend all my time writing.
Yes, okay, that'd be grand and peachy too, but again, it doesn't resonate with me as the real reason why I write.
PAFSOP #3: Because I want to become famous and/or I crave the recognition and acknowledgement of others.
We're often told we live in a celebrity-obsessed culture and I'd be lying if I said I haven't wondered what it would be like to be famous. But then, there's famous and there's famous, right? Toni Morrison, Michael Ondaatje and Kazuo Ishiguro are famous. Would I want to be famous for the same reasons they're famous? Well, I suspect I wouldn't mind... although, again, the little bell of recognition doesn't chime when I try to tell myself that I write purely because I want to be as well-known as Ishiguro. Having said that, I know it would be thrilling to walk into a bookshop and see a novel with my name on the cover. In fact, I've been trying to write one for the last two years and, yes, I would very much like to see it published... although I'm not sure that equates to seeking fame. Anyway, putting fame aside, on some simplistic level, I think we've found at least one true statement: I write because I'd like to see my work in print... but hang on: doesn't that smack of circular logic? And besides, it still doesn't feel like a real, fundamental answer. And as for recognition and acknowledgement... sure, certain aspects of my ego are colossal enough to suggest that maybe some part of me does want recognition on a megalomaniacal scale... but again, this feels like a side-line, an incidental issue. We're not near the core.
PAFSOP #4: Because I feel a need to express myself.
What does that actually mean? If anyone said, "No, I feel no need to express myself," wouldn't that sound churlish and dishonest? Isn't expressing ourselves what we do all the time? Isn't every single word, thought and deed an 'expression' of our selves? Granted, perhaps for many people the need is unconscious, but surely self-expression is the basic way in which we all relate to every one and every thing around us. It's inescapable.
PAFSOP #4: Let me rephrase that: Because I feel a need to express myself in writing.
Okay, at least that's slightly more specific. As an assertion, it certainly isn't untrue. Yes, like everyone else, I feel the need to reflect my personality in the world around me and I seem to choose to do so by making up stories and writing them down. But then, on the other hand, I have never, ever thought something like: 'I feel very strongly about how parents treat their children these days. I know! I'll try to weave a story around my worries so that everyone can read my views on this pressing contemporary issue.' That is never the motivation that drags me back to the blank page. Then again, it's undeniable that all my work is full of indicators of how I feel and what I think of all the things that I see and hear around me, but that doesn't mean I created the work because I wanted to draw everyone's attention to those indicators. Perhaps I'm splitting hairs here. Maybe I should concede that I can probably mutter a tentative Yes to PAFSOP4, but I don't think we're touching the real truth yet.
To be continued... (Anyone care to offer any other PAFSOPs whilst I put together the next post?)
Most of my days are spent trying to convince people that you don't know if you can do something until you try, so perhaps I need to take my own advice. Here goes:
Why do I write?
Past Answer From Some Other Person #1: Because I want to publish a bestseller and make loads of money.
Well, sure, that'd be nice and I certainly wouldn't say No to it, but that's not the actual reason why I write. If my aim was to make a fortune, I'd probably devote my time to some slightly less uncertain way of achieving it.
PAFSOP #2: Because I want to publish a book which would earn me just enough money to be able to spend all my time writing.
Yes, okay, that'd be grand and peachy too, but again, it doesn't resonate with me as the real reason why I write.
PAFSOP #3: Because I want to become famous and/or I crave the recognition and acknowledgement of others.
We're often told we live in a celebrity-obsessed culture and I'd be lying if I said I haven't wondered what it would be like to be famous. But then, there's famous and there's famous, right? Toni Morrison, Michael Ondaatje and Kazuo Ishiguro are famous. Would I want to be famous for the same reasons they're famous? Well, I suspect I wouldn't mind... although, again, the little bell of recognition doesn't chime when I try to tell myself that I write purely because I want to be as well-known as Ishiguro. Having said that, I know it would be thrilling to walk into a bookshop and see a novel with my name on the cover. In fact, I've been trying to write one for the last two years and, yes, I would very much like to see it published... although I'm not sure that equates to seeking fame. Anyway, putting fame aside, on some simplistic level, I think we've found at least one true statement: I write because I'd like to see my work in print... but hang on: doesn't that smack of circular logic? And besides, it still doesn't feel like a real, fundamental answer. And as for recognition and acknowledgement... sure, certain aspects of my ego are colossal enough to suggest that maybe some part of me does want recognition on a megalomaniacal scale... but again, this feels like a side-line, an incidental issue. We're not near the core.
PAFSOP #4: Because I feel a need to express myself.
What does that actually mean? If anyone said, "No, I feel no need to express myself," wouldn't that sound churlish and dishonest? Isn't expressing ourselves what we do all the time? Isn't every single word, thought and deed an 'expression' of our selves? Granted, perhaps for many people the need is unconscious, but surely self-expression is the basic way in which we all relate to every one and every thing around us. It's inescapable.
PAFSOP #4: Let me rephrase that: Because I feel a need to express myself in writing.
Okay, at least that's slightly more specific. As an assertion, it certainly isn't untrue. Yes, like everyone else, I feel the need to reflect my personality in the world around me and I seem to choose to do so by making up stories and writing them down. But then, on the other hand, I have never, ever thought something like: 'I feel very strongly about how parents treat their children these days. I know! I'll try to weave a story around my worries so that everyone can read my views on this pressing contemporary issue.' That is never the motivation that drags me back to the blank page. Then again, it's undeniable that all my work is full of indicators of how I feel and what I think of all the things that I see and hear around me, but that doesn't mean I created the work because I wanted to draw everyone's attention to those indicators. Perhaps I'm splitting hairs here. Maybe I should concede that I can probably mutter a tentative Yes to PAFSOP4, but I don't think we're touching the real truth yet.
To be continued... (Anyone care to offer any other PAFSOPs whilst I put together the next post?)
Comments
Ow. This is making my head hurt.